Today I went to Tescos. After parking my Porsche I got my two children out of the car and proceeded to spend £1000 a month on my food shopping. It had already been a stressful morning for me as driving a Porsche in Jimmy Choo shoes can be a terrible strain on my ankles, but still, I struggled on. By the way did I mention I have a Porsche?
As I entered Tesco it dawned on me that as I'd just done some gardening I must have looked like a poor person, I swallowed the self consciousness this brought me and hoped at least some people in Tesco might realise that I'm not, in fact, a poor person. I didn't hold out much hope that these sorts of people would realise that as they more than likely have also shopped in Aldi at some point. To emphasize that I'm not poor I put my £300 handbag on the trolley in case, by some unbelievable twist of fate, someone might recognize that it was a genuine designer bag and not something you buy in a normal shop. Ugh.
After browsing for a while and feeling terribly unclean through it all, I went to pay for my (Name brand goods only darling) shopping. Just as I was about to leave the store a security guard did his job. How utterly preposterous. I am rich. How very dare he? He suspected that I'd shoplifted, and treated me like a suspected shoplifter. Did he not see my handbag? Was the CCTV not in the car park? Did he not see what car I got out of? Was he some kind of spasticated spina bifida sufferer with ADHD and a prosthetic leg? (I'll retract that later when some disabled people complain and I'll pretend that I didn't mean it ok?)
I was gently ushered into a backroom by said security spaz, although I'm going to write frogmarched because it adds to the drama don't you know. I mean honestly, you do not usher people like me into back rooms, you only usher the shoplifting type into back rooms. They also had the audacity to search my handbag (AS IF I'd put any lower class shop's stock into that £300 beauty!) They found my Porsche keys, my designer make up, and my designer tampons (Chanel No. Medium Flow) yet they still didn't cotton on.
I was absolutely flabbergasted when they said "Sorry Madam, we've made an error and you're free to go, please accept our apologies". Like hell I was going to accept their apologies, I am not a poor person who is simply going to accept an apology, a £10 voucher and get on with my life. I want it in writing, to me, to my daughter, to baby Jesus and an amendment to the Magna Carta mentioning the episode. They treated me like a poor mum with two kids in tow, how disgusting. When they realised I wasn't a poor mum with two kids in tow but with £1000 a month to spend on food shopping in tow, they apologised, not because the security guard did his job, but because I spend £1000 a month on food shopping. Tesco want that.
Good luck to the security guard though, paid a minimum wage no doubt, just doing his job, who is now probably unemployed, and if not, will no doubt start getting 'prepared' for that particular Tesco's 'staff streamlining'.
When my story appears in The Telegraph it will be entirely different to my original post. I'll also add a little tidbit like, oh I don't know "I normally buy my shampoo from the hairdressers but seeing as these are hard times I sniffed Pantene" That will surely connect me to the peasantry. I am not an elitist snob.
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